*WARNING: LONG RANDOM RANT AHEAD, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK*
Nobody ever forgets their first time doing anything do they? Their first bicycle ride. The first agonising burn of teenage love. That hormone-fuelled wildfire of a first kiss…whatever. On the other end of a spectrum are their worst memories. The first time you farted in public company. The first rejection. The first time you sat down to watch a show you loved only to realise I am a fucking idiot. What the hell is this crap?
Only last week was I introduced to the incredibly obnoxious Bachelor series. My mom is a huge fan apparently (gee thanks mom) and yeah I came on the scene a bit late because this stuff has been around for years. Never being a big fan of reality TV even as a kid I was mercifully spared but I have heard of The Bachelor. Occasionally. The way you hear of accidents on TV and furtively hope that you never get to experience it first hand.
The Bachelor for those as uninformed and ignorant as me, is a show where 20 women shamelessly rip each other to shreds in order to become the married property of a passably attractive man who stands around looking passionately anguished. Oh and they get given a rose too if the bloodshed pleases him. Okay maybe I exaggerated a bit but most of the show is really like this and I’m only through 4 episodes of season 19. Oh and this time there are 30 women because…because..um…???????
Over the course of 8 weeks the audience is made to endure an endless series of awful dates, catfights, fountains of tears, clichéd lines such as “This is hard!” and “I thought I had a real connection with him” and the worrying “She’s not here for the right reasons obviously.”
Sweetheart you are all there for publicity, the chance to get married to some square-jawed hick/tortured billionaire and live the rest of your lives out in the light of a thousand camera flashes. There is no such thing as the right reason.
I know I’m definitely not alone in hating this show and there are millions of people worldwide who do hate it but there are millions more who watch it. Who invest themselves in the lives of these unfortunate men and women – and I say unfortunate because being paid to be reduced to caricatures of yourselves in order to please the audience is unfortunate. Its a more evolved form of getting ripped to shreds in an arena while the crowd boos and the emperor eats dates.
The particular episode which really tripped my fuses was one where the current bachelor Chris Soules gets to go on a date with two of the women on the show Kelsey and Ashley (side note: them Barbie names just spell trouble). This um double-date thingy is set in the Badlands which is a really cool landscape set in rugged rocky terrain and prairie-looking land with some dramatic cliffs. You kind of wonder if it’s to inspire someone to jump off when Chris rejects them.
This is supposed to be a date? Why do you have a four poster bed set up in the middle of goddamn nowhere? Combined with the “2 on 1 Date” title this whole scene looks like the worlds most expensive and ambitious porno shoot…
It isn’t long before the drama starts when Ashley takes Chris aside to confess that she and the other girls think that Kelsey is very fake and that she isn’t there for the right reasons (whatever they may be). Chris, who obviously has rocks for brains, immediately proceeds to tell this to Kelsey.
He then proceeds to sit around looking ruggedly heartbroken and surprised that everything and everyone seems so upset. His genius solution? Send one woman home for being fake (a sentiment which he has previously never expressed) and send the other one home too presumably for being a tattletale. Or maybe because he realised he couldn’t afford her makeup costs.
Before I go any further – I am so frustrated at the utter vapidity of this show. This dude can’t even be bothered to see the conflict and misunderstanding simmering in his cabal of women – seriously dude you’re trying to find a wife and partner use whatever is in your head. All he has to do is pick the last one standing – he can kiss and screw his way through the women and leave them to sort out their own mess of feelings. Nitwit. No wonder he has to resort to reality TV to find a life partner. He talks to women the way he probably talks to the sheep and cows on his farm.
In the end Kelsey and Ashley are left alone in the magnificent landscape of the Badlands to watch The Eligible Bonehead fly away in a helicopter, looking pained and devastated. Or possible constipated because I didn’t see a single toilet in that place.
Meanwhile back in “Bachelorland” the women recieve news of the elimination. Scenes of extreme devastation at the humiliation of two women followed. Brought tears to my eyes I tell you.
Ladies you are not in the world of a Beauty and the Beast. Your fates are so much bigger than a single rose.
I even did a bit of research and I am now fully convinced that the shallowness in the show is not restricted to the set alone but even into the lives of the winners. Barely any winning couple has lasted beyond a couple of months of engagement at best and most invariably end up with someone else. This even extends over to the sister show The Bachelorette (presumably named because that atrocious feminisation of the word looks better than The Spinster). How can they last? Usually marriage is just a precursor to drama. In this all the drama is exhausted before the marriage and when the crew packs up and the lights go off the winning couple probably just look at each other and go “…Now what?”
What a waste of roses.
Oh and just to drive you nuts, here are a few words of wisdom from the show.
I’m looking Ashley. I’m looking.